Monday, July 6, 2009

“It’s Always Somethin”

Gildna Radner really knew a thing or two, didn’t she?

Just when I thought this new chest was done making trouble I had to go and overexert myself. The nurse who removed my drains said not to go out and ride my bike. Fine, right? She said nothing about a little light yard work, fireworks administration and a trip to Chino Latino.

This morning I had to face the fact that my chest is swollen more than it should be, more painful than OTC meds can touch. The rubberband that is my pectoral muscle is not happy with me. So it’s back to percoset and back to bed. My body will absorb some of the lymph fluid but not enough, so I’m probably looking at another needle tomorrow during my post-op visit with the plastic surgeon.

Brings new meaning to the utterance, “Swell.”

I think someone needs to put a straight jacket on me. It could serve multiple purposes. I just want to get out in the wonderful weather and be a part of life before they hit me with the A-bomb. This must be the part where they said cancer would be life-changing. My entire summer is being rewritten. Hell, a lot of summers are getting re-written because of me.

We watched Into The Wild last night. It’s the story a young man, estranged from his family, who runs off to Alaska to live a life away from the hypocrisy that we all know is too rampant in our modern society. He does fall in love with nature but eventually finds that nothing can be fully enjoyed alone.

I certainly did not need this movie to remind me of the naiveté of my twenties or that I should never go walking into the woods unequipped. But it did remind me that holding onto hurt, holding onto resentment is a cancer that can kill you slow like starvation. That letting go isn’t a one time thing. Letting go has to happen every day, like letting your clothes slip from your body, taking a shower or brushing your teeth before bed. And like so many other things I’m experiencing right now, even letting go requires assistance.

Inhale. Relax. Exhale.


Jonathan Odell said...

Ahh, LETTING GO, an old friend I've visited only as a last resort, when STRIVING FOR PERFECTION and NEVER SAY DIE and CAN'T NEVER COULD and WINNERS NEVER QUIT have all worn out their welcome and left me exhausted.

The older I get the more I find myself in the company of new acquaintances like NO,and I CAN'T and MAYBE LATER, and I'VE CHANGED MY MIND. It goes against everything I was taught as a young man, but there can be comfort in limitations. The most any of us can do is to take one breath at a time. No matter how hard we work, it's impossible to take two.

C.M. Harris said...

Too right. Thanks for your words of wisdom, Jon.